I never knew exactly how to preface this and neither does the owner of this letter. So other than 'Happy Valentine's Day' ... ahm ya ... take a read.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I'm back! ... I think
So I haven't graced any literary works in a while, which got me wondering if it's that there are really so few things to attack or that I've become such a cynic writing down is no longer what makes things entertaining for me.
Nonetheless I'm certain you are wondering if this article will be a resurgence of true AnXism. Well, well, I guess you are just going to have to keep on reading ...
Well since the last article life has thrown some more curves.
So I had an other encounter of the third kind on Sunday. I must say as I get older the encounters are becoming less and less. You must be wondering what I am talking about. This third kind are the people who protect and serve - The Policemen.
The police have a very uncanny characteristic of having the last name Brown. I one point I actually thought that the Jamaica Constabulary Force was made up of 2 people, Deputy Commissioner Mark Shields (solving crime one cricket match at a time) and Officer Brown (who got in because they had to lower the academic bar to ankle height.
Mental Ability played a very strong role in my upbringing so my bar is a lot higher. The amount of run-ins I have had with the police is the same as the amount of times that I have heard one of the 'Officer Brown's' trying to pronounce the word 'alleged' as well as for the amount of times men alight from a vehicle or a suspect being found suffering from gunshot wounds to some minor, non life threatening body part being pronounced dead at the hospital. Well that works with less paper work, so i take it that that is the positive.
Anyway I'll start with the routine check, this usually entails me driving and minding my own business at which point the typical 'brown man' syndrome kicks in when I am spotted by an officer. I get flagged down and asked if I know why I'm being stopped. I usual reply is something along the lines of 'is it because you ran out of beer money?' At this point I am reminded that every officer leaves their house without their sense of humour and as well proper English. Now, I have just prolonged my stay in the inner sanctum of Dante's Inferno, where semi-intelligent people exert their authority on anyone that actually has a more pleasant life.
If I remember correctly, asking me why I was stopped means that I should be admitting to something I did wrong. So, at this point I behave like Miss Cleo and start pulling out random reasons out of my head:
1) am I dragging the old lady that I hit down about 5 stop lights ago? I thought I lost her.
2) The Jamaica Constabulary Force is having a BBQ/Raffle and you are bullying citizen into supporting the 'Police beer-money club'.
3) The REAL bad guys are harder to catch so routine checks builds one self esteem.
Nonetheless I'm certain you are wondering if this article will be a resurgence of true AnXism. Well, well, I guess you are just going to have to keep on reading ...
Well since the last article life has thrown some more curves.
So I had an other encounter of the third kind on Sunday. I must say as I get older the encounters are becoming less and less. You must be wondering what I am talking about. This third kind are the people who protect and serve - The Policemen.
The police have a very uncanny characteristic of having the last name Brown. I one point I actually thought that the Jamaica Constabulary Force was made up of 2 people, Deputy Commissioner Mark Shields (solving crime one cricket match at a time) and Officer Brown (who got in because they had to lower the academic bar to ankle height.
Mental Ability played a very strong role in my upbringing so my bar is a lot higher. The amount of run-ins I have had with the police is the same as the amount of times that I have heard one of the 'Officer Brown's' trying to pronounce the word 'alleged' as well as for the amount of times men alight from a vehicle or a suspect being found suffering from gunshot wounds to some minor, non life threatening body part being pronounced dead at the hospital. Well that works with less paper work, so i take it that that is the positive.
Anyway I'll start with the routine check, this usually entails me driving and minding my own business at which point the typical 'brown man' syndrome kicks in when I am spotted by an officer. I get flagged down and asked if I know why I'm being stopped. I usual reply is something along the lines of 'is it because you ran out of beer money?' At this point I am reminded that every officer leaves their house without their sense of humour and as well proper English. Now, I have just prolonged my stay in the inner sanctum of Dante's Inferno, where semi-intelligent people exert their authority on anyone that actually has a more pleasant life.
If I remember correctly, asking me why I was stopped means that I should be admitting to something I did wrong. So, at this point I behave like Miss Cleo and start pulling out random reasons out of my head:
1) am I dragging the old lady that I hit down about 5 stop lights ago? I thought I lost her.
2) The Jamaica Constabulary Force is having a BBQ/Raffle and you are bullying citizen into supporting the 'Police beer-money club'.
3) The REAL bad guys are harder to catch so routine checks builds one self esteem.
(DISCLAIMER: using such lines might have varied results, and AnXism takes no responsiblity for any damage or bodily harm incurred by your or any passenger with or around the scene of the assault from the Jamaica Constabulary Force)
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
... not going anywhere for awhile?
Well, it's been a while huh?
So I decided to take a break from the blogging business because quite frankly I wasn't feeling the rants anymore - I guess I matured, either that or I'm not bored anymore.
Nonetheless I'm revamping this blog so it's going to be out for even a longer time. For those that missed the entertainment, just hold on a little longer - or find something better to do with your time.
AnX
So I decided to take a break from the blogging business because quite frankly I wasn't feeling the rants anymore - I guess I matured, either that or I'm not bored anymore.
Nonetheless I'm revamping this blog so it's going to be out for even a longer time. For those that missed the entertainment, just hold on a little longer - or find something better to do with your time.
AnX
Thursday, May 18, 2006
the greatest show on earth ... Office Guide
So it's May 18th and long ago the fever started spreading. So if you see coworkers gradually making space in their offices, expect a TV soon, because Yes boys and girls the greatest show on earth is about to begin!!! By no means do I intend to give you a comprehensive report - go soccernet.com fi dat. Already there have been plots and schemes to get the ‘tele’ in the office. Providing your boss is a football fan, I doubt you'll have much problem getting a TV in the office; however if he/she is not then here is the definitive memo requesting approval for a tele at your desk (of course your order of preference will vary based on your circumstance).
MEMORANDUM
TO: Managers ALL SECTIONS
FROM: Sports and Social committee
RE: Proposed plan to increase efficiency during World cup 2006
DATE: May 18th 2006
Dear Sirs:
As we all are aware the greatest show on earth begins on June 9th and runs until July 9th. As such we need to implement proactive measures to keep productivity and efficiency at a high during this period. After having extensive discussions amongst ourselves; we, members of the Sports and Social club, have come up with a brilliant plan to be implemented during this period.
We humbly suggest placing TV sets at strategic points throughout the office in an effort to give all employees view of the matches during the World cup.
COST FACTOR:
This solution is very cost effective. After exploring several options, including complete home/office theatre setup with surround sound OR desk embedded screens at all workstations complete with personal high performance earphones, we have decided that several television sets placed at strategic points is not only cost effective but also less time consuming.
WORKFORCE MORALE:
With this solution the rewards reaped will be purely positive. There will be an unquestionable increase in workforce Morale. Studies have shown that recreational activities, in particular sports, increase the flow of certain chemicals to certain parts of the brain that causes certain types of positive responses. (I'm not sure what exactly they are but I'm sure there are studies that prove this – If you can’t find it, we can provide same).
If you are still not convinced of the benefits of our proposed plan the following pointers should, without a doubt convince you of the merits:
1. Football is very important to us and we will not be able to perform effectively if we don't know what's happening in the World cup. So in order to be able to keep abreast a television in the office is the answer.
2. Since there is a TV in the lunchroom, and the reactions are audible from in the office. The time it takes to run to the lunch room every time there's a scream of excitement will render us too tired and will be too frequent for us to perform efficiently at match times.
3. It will reduce the lunchtime and bathroom breaks considerably. We will not spend as much time sleeping in the bathroom cubicle because the Tele will keep us awake.
4. Reduced traffic on the company's Internet link as we won't be able to spend the normal amount of time on MSN, Yahoo, Skype, Google messaging etc. while watching the game
5. Reduced vacation/sick/department days taken over the period, once there is a TV, we have no reason to lie and take the days like we normally would in order to see the games of choice.
6. Though there'll be an increase in electricity consumption HOWEVER, it will be overcompensated by the reduction in the time spent calling friends on their cell phones by at least 180 minutes per day (average 2 matches per day) hence massive reduction in the company’s phone bill
7. Improved punctuality in order to catch matches played in the morning (due to the time zone differences) will make workers get to work on time. In addition we will not leave until after 5 when there are late matches.
8. Much less time will be spent in meeting rooms (provided they are not equipped with a television set). Decision-making will be effective and to the point in an effort to get back to workstations faster.
To sum it all up, to increase the efficiency of the workforce between June 9 and July 9 the Sports and Social club has come up with a brilliant plan. By simply providing view to a TV at every desk we will reduce overall time spent away from workstations, reduce time spent consuming precious resources @ workstations and by deduction increase overall productivity. The plan proposed is very cost effective and the R.O.I. will be well worth it. Based on results from our pilot project (UEFA Champions league final – May 17th), we project that these measures will boost productivity to an all time high. Review of the pilot project can be made available upon request.
Regards,
S & S Committee
Listen folks this is not a money back guarantee but trust me it will work. When all else fails a TV card, dual head video card and two monitors shall suffice.
In addition my friends, for all of us who lack the skill to play the sport or for those of us who simply can't get enough on the pitch the fantasy league is right here, be warned, it's not for the weak and uncommitted.
Vishnik
MEMORANDUM
TO: Managers ALL SECTIONS
FROM: Sports and Social committee
RE: Proposed plan to increase efficiency during World cup 2006
DATE: May 18th 2006
Dear Sirs:
As we all are aware the greatest show on earth begins on June 9th and runs until July 9th. As such we need to implement proactive measures to keep productivity and efficiency at a high during this period. After having extensive discussions amongst ourselves; we, members of the Sports and Social club, have come up with a brilliant plan to be implemented during this period.
We humbly suggest placing TV sets at strategic points throughout the office in an effort to give all employees view of the matches during the World cup.
COST FACTOR:
This solution is very cost effective. After exploring several options, including complete home/office theatre setup with surround sound OR desk embedded screens at all workstations complete with personal high performance earphones, we have decided that several television sets placed at strategic points is not only cost effective but also less time consuming.
WORKFORCE MORALE:
With this solution the rewards reaped will be purely positive. There will be an unquestionable increase in workforce Morale. Studies have shown that recreational activities, in particular sports, increase the flow of certain chemicals to certain parts of the brain that causes certain types of positive responses. (I'm not sure what exactly they are but I'm sure there are studies that prove this – If you can’t find it, we can provide same).
If you are still not convinced of the benefits of our proposed plan the following pointers should, without a doubt convince you of the merits:
1. Football is very important to us and we will not be able to perform effectively if we don't know what's happening in the World cup. So in order to be able to keep abreast a television in the office is the answer.
2. Since there is a TV in the lunchroom, and the reactions are audible from in the office. The time it takes to run to the lunch room every time there's a scream of excitement will render us too tired and will be too frequent for us to perform efficiently at match times.
3. It will reduce the lunchtime and bathroom breaks considerably. We will not spend as much time sleeping in the bathroom cubicle because the Tele will keep us awake.
4. Reduced traffic on the company's Internet link as we won't be able to spend the normal amount of time on MSN, Yahoo, Skype, Google messaging etc. while watching the game
5. Reduced vacation/sick/department days taken over the period, once there is a TV, we have no reason to lie and take the days like we normally would in order to see the games of choice.
6. Though there'll be an increase in electricity consumption HOWEVER, it will be overcompensated by the reduction in the time spent calling friends on their cell phones by at least 180 minutes per day (average 2 matches per day) hence massive reduction in the company’s phone bill
7. Improved punctuality in order to catch matches played in the morning (due to the time zone differences) will make workers get to work on time. In addition we will not leave until after 5 when there are late matches.
8. Much less time will be spent in meeting rooms (provided they are not equipped with a television set). Decision-making will be effective and to the point in an effort to get back to workstations faster.
To sum it all up, to increase the efficiency of the workforce between June 9 and July 9 the Sports and Social club has come up with a brilliant plan. By simply providing view to a TV at every desk we will reduce overall time spent away from workstations, reduce time spent consuming precious resources @ workstations and by deduction increase overall productivity. The plan proposed is very cost effective and the R.O.I. will be well worth it. Based on results from our pilot project (UEFA Champions league final – May 17th), we project that these measures will boost productivity to an all time high. Review of the pilot project can be made available upon request.
Regards,
S & S Committee
Listen folks this is not a money back guarantee but trust me it will work. When all else fails a TV card, dual head video card and two monitors shall suffice.
In addition my friends, for all of us who lack the skill to play the sport or for those of us who simply can't get enough on the pitch the fantasy league is right here, be warned, it's not for the weak and uncommitted.
Vishnik
Monday, April 24, 2006
... they call him Walker because he doesn't run
They had the typical affirmative action cast on TV at the time … a black guy, an old person, a woman and everyone’s favourite red neck. If you are uncertain on whom I speak of this might jog your memory ‘ When you’re in Texas look behind you, cause that’s where a ranger’s gonna be’. If you were thinking ‘Brokeback Mountain’ you are really close – Walker Texas Ranger.
The roundhouse kick and tight pants with cowboy boots was the trademark, the predictability of someone getting the roundhouse making them fly through a table, over a car, through a window, over a bar or unto a pool table was 1:1.
Not only did Mr. Chuck Norris win the hearts of many television watchers that didn’t know better. However he also won/conned the hearts of the moviegoers (yet they never readily admit to seeing his movies on the big screen). Nonetheless Mr. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his way through Arabs before Stallone, Seagal, van Damme, Governor Shwarzenegger, oh and George Bush (Snr & Jnr combined!). The stereotypical bad guy was dealt with harshly.
by an anonymous fan
This man, Mr. Chuck Norris has been idolised by fans that he has almost reached deity status.
An avid fan once gave me the history of the saying ‘I beat you so hard I’ll make the white show!’ It all began when Mr. Chuck Norris and man got into an argument on how to spell a word. The man made the mistake of laughing at the super super star, Mr. Chuck Norris and ended up taking a roundhouse kick to the face. What happened next is how we know Michael Jackson today: a plastic nose, no more nappy hair and him being TRANSPARENT/WHITE (and the word will be forever spelt “C-H-A’M-O-N-E”). I know Seagal doesn’t have a story like that, eat your heart out Steven! (Rumour has it that Al Sharpton was missed by the roundhouse kick but the wind generated from it straightened his hair.)
Nonetheless I am a new Mr. Chuck Norris fan as Mr. Chuck Norris is Delta Force!
Friday, April 21, 2006
amateur night
My adventures took me to Ocho Rios, St Ann over the weekend. This trip wasn’t for the ‘traditional’ hype but just for some rest and relaxation.
My r&r found me in a place I don’t frequent often for the main reason, ‘look but don’t touch’ I never grasped. More so, eye-candy is exactly what it is, without proper hygiene it can rot your eyes!
By the way always remember, reputation a town a nuh di same a country!
When we arrived, I assumed that the name would have set the tone. The premise of any branch of the same business conducting themselves at the same standard does not exist in the 'striper world'. A few minutes later the name had new meaning, “Gemini: you’re gonna die… twice” Chris Rock. It was obvious that we were experiencing the ugly side of that zodiac sign. Sitting there I was in shear disbelief to know that lazy strippers exist! Job satisfaction is at a low however, in the entertainment sector it is frighteningly awful. Sauntering bodies that looked more like they were preoccupied; wondering if they had left the kettle on at home rather than trying to earn some pocket change.
It was simply ‘Amateur night’ at a big boys club. Eye-candy turned out to be more like 'eye-roughage'. Images of porridge legs and beer kegs for stomachs would have made the average man forfeit the entrance fee – but we stayed. Not because we were being entertained but for the reason it COULD NOT get any worse. It was like a remedial class for strippers that lost their flavour, just trying to find their grove once more. Either that or the Jamaica Tourist Board book left in the hotel omitted that Saturday night at Gemini (Ocho Rios) was really beginner’s night.
Maybe it was a special promotion from the entertainment coordinator trying to get various types of women to embrace exhibitionism. Before I forget if any females are reading this and want to get into that type of entertainment, please refrain from wearing a ONE-PIECE BATHING SUIT! Speedo swimsuits have NO sexiness about them, not even in taking them off.
15 women later (equivalent to 1hr 30mins) and me falling asleep from time to time rendered one decent dancer and a lot of stripers that need to find a different job.
In an unrelated (yet related) event, due to the ambiguity of phrases and words, one has to make sure that when you advertise in whatever media/medium chosen. Word selection is important! Reason being, people like me with end up posting things like what you see below…
... 'oldies but goodies!? .... laaaaaaaad
My r&r found me in a place I don’t frequent often for the main reason, ‘look but don’t touch’ I never grasped. More so, eye-candy is exactly what it is, without proper hygiene it can rot your eyes!
By the way always remember, reputation a town a nuh di same a country!
When we arrived, I assumed that the name would have set the tone. The premise of any branch of the same business conducting themselves at the same standard does not exist in the 'striper world'. A few minutes later the name had new meaning, “Gemini: you’re gonna die… twice” Chris Rock. It was obvious that we were experiencing the ugly side of that zodiac sign. Sitting there I was in shear disbelief to know that lazy strippers exist! Job satisfaction is at a low however, in the entertainment sector it is frighteningly awful. Sauntering bodies that looked more like they were preoccupied; wondering if they had left the kettle on at home rather than trying to earn some pocket change.
It was simply ‘Amateur night’ at a big boys club. Eye-candy turned out to be more like 'eye-roughage'. Images of porridge legs and beer kegs for stomachs would have made the average man forfeit the entrance fee – but we stayed. Not because we were being entertained but for the reason it COULD NOT get any worse. It was like a remedial class for strippers that lost their flavour, just trying to find their grove once more. Either that or the Jamaica Tourist Board book left in the hotel omitted that Saturday night at Gemini (Ocho Rios) was really beginner’s night.
Maybe it was a special promotion from the entertainment coordinator trying to get various types of women to embrace exhibitionism. Before I forget if any females are reading this and want to get into that type of entertainment, please refrain from wearing a ONE-PIECE BATHING SUIT! Speedo swimsuits have NO sexiness about them, not even in taking them off.
15 women later (equivalent to 1hr 30mins) and me falling asleep from time to time rendered one decent dancer and a lot of stripers that need to find a different job.
In an unrelated (yet related) event, due to the ambiguity of phrases and words, one has to make sure that when you advertise in whatever media/medium chosen. Word selection is important! Reason being, people like me with end up posting things like what you see below…
... 'oldies but goodies!? .... laaaaaaaad
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
corporate ghetto (not original)
You know you are CORPORATE GHETTO if the following are true:
1. You don't officially start working in the morning until you read your emails.
2. You have at least one drawer/cabinet that contains more food than office supplies.
3. Not only do you know all the security guards, janitors and cafeteria workers; ONE OF THEM HAS ASKED YOU OUT ON A DATE.
4. Your version of a conference call is when you call your friends and plan what you are doing for the weekend.
5. The only time your man/woman picks you up from work is on payday.
6. Friends and family members call you at work to cuss you out because you didn't answer your phone quick enough.
7. You paint your nails at your desk.
8. When you are on a personal call you, laugh so loud your co-workers on the other side of the office come and ask you what's so funny.
9. On casual Friday, you wear your best Pelle Pelle, Tommy Hilfiger, DKNY shirts and jeans (ladies- tightest jeans) everyone in your office thinks you are advertising for them.
10. You have pictures on your wall with you and your friends at the club.
11. You talk about how much money you make.
12. To beat the system, you have codes for personal calls that let's someone know to call you right back. (Let the phone ring two times and call me right back)
13. You give your out-of-town friends your company's 1-800-number.
14. Before calling in sick, you rehearse your sick voice and sick & story several times out loud.
15. Coworkers inquire how your father's surgery went that required you to be out for days and you haven't seen your daddy since he left your mother when you were born.
16. You use the company's postage machine to stamp your letters.
17. Your kid's school supplies all have your company insignia on them, or you order personal supplies for you and your kids.
18. You can’t function straight when the batteries go dead in your desk radio.
19. You call in sick on payday Friday and send your cousin to pick up your paycheck. (Now THAT'S REAL ghetto!! Get direct deposit!!)
20. You contribute $1 to the office Christmas party, eat the most food and take a platter of lunch meat and potato salad home to your family for dinner.
21. Before someone uses your telephone at your desk, they have to wipe the chicken grease off the handset.
22. You call in sick on Friday because you went out on Thursday night.
23. You don't like your supervisor and a couple other coworkers and you tell them off on a regular basis and wonder why you haven't been promoted.
24. You get your haircut/hair done on lunch and come back two hours later.
25. You cuss your creditors out for calling you at work.
26. You come to work on Friday's dressed for the club.
27. Your kids call your job and say to the operator, "Let me speak to my Mama"
28. You eat sunflower seeds at your desk.
29. You are sitting there reading this instead of getting your work done.
Friday, March 31, 2006
... no hablo ingles!
This is for all those people that: love Sean Paul (yes all 2 of you); thought everybody can understand Jamaicans ...
Sean Paul - Temperature
Thursday, March 16, 2006
involuntary experiment #1
Just in case anyone ever thought of experimenting with a U.S.B. drive (Flash/Jump drive). I have some news for you. The ‘Cruzer mini 512 mb’ from Sandisk is Machine Washable Safe!
Please note: the experiment was done in a cold wash and rinse with dark clothes – where it was buried in the '5th' pocket of a denim pants (with the cap on).
Disclaimer! AnXiety Attacks will not be held liable for any damaged drives, clothes or washing machines, as there is no guarantee if altering the variables will render the same out come.
Please note: the experiment was done in a cold wash and rinse with dark clothes – where it was buried in the '5th' pocket of a denim pants (with the cap on).
Disclaimer! AnXiety Attacks will not be held liable for any damaged drives, clothes or washing machines, as there is no guarantee if altering the variables will render the same out come.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
psycho chicks
This is going to be a brief guide on how to figure out if the woman you are seeing is a chick with a few screws loose and some just damn well missing. Note, every woman has the potential to be a psycho as every man has the potential to be a dawg – note the spelling of dawg, as a dog is a loyal creature that no matter the size he is defends whatever he thinks he needs to protect to the end.
DISCLAIMER if you think this is about you it probably is … and you might have to refer to number 5.
1) WARNING!
If you are: a patient man that is not phased by little things
a good listener
kind & Generous
It means you are a PRIME TARGET for such a woman. It’s like Yin and Yang… You are very sedated she is a nut case.
2) the twitch
If you notice a twitch just before or during times of stress – RUN AWAY!
prognosis: this is warranted when the voices in her head start tell her to do things that she doesn’t want to. This usually ends with up her restraining herself from stabbing you, friends or any of your family members.
Counter attack: RETREAT! … RETREAT!!
3) birds of a feather flock together
example: … if she had/have close friends that SHE deems as crazy, it just means she just fell off the crazy tree at a lower branch.
prognosis: People tend to use themselves as the measuring stick and they always see themselves as normal. Think about it, have you ever heard someone of unsound mind saying they are crazy?
outcome: The most normal thing they will do on a consistent basis is … waking up each morning to think of how to make life more about them. The reality of their world nothing short of PeeWee’s playhouse mixed with Days of Our Lives. (Btw Lawrence Fishbourne was in that, with jerry curls – talk about a jump from PeeWee to Morpheus. Now that’s talent – or a good agent.)
4) a flare for melodrama.
example: … if she lends you something and she gets it back with a: slight scratch; dent; discolouration; or even without the black plastic she gave you in. She all of a sudden she throws herself on the ground screaming ‘Why me lord! Why me! Now it will never work!’
NB the ‘damage’ has no bearing on the function or the aesthetics of the object.
prognosis: this is the typical look at me I need some attention from you now. This was the best excuse I could come up with in the span of when you handed me the object to when the voices told me to react.
counter attack: is being as mellow-dramatic as her. If you can’t achieve that on cue, put your hand in your pocket and pull a pubic hair (or 2) and trust me your eyes will well up with tears so fast you forgot why you did it in the first place. Now you will start crying and shout ‘I try and try try and try…. But it’s never enough!’
If that doesn’t work, put on the voice of the witch from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, grab her pull her close your chest and say ‘Everything will be fine my pretty…. Eeeeeveerrrythiiiing.’
outcome: psycho chicks can’t have a mellow-dramatic/overly-sensitive boyfriend.
5) she makes every situation about her.
example: … you totaled your car, and in telling her, she makes it known that she had a bad feeling around the same time you crashed. Suddenly she thinks she’s a prophetess and that she gets these weird ‘vibes’ from time to time. By the end of the conversation she says she doesn’t know how to control it. At this point, you being injured or how it happened was never discussed or was briefly mentioned.
prognosis: Your problems don’t count unless it affects her and even so then it’s not yours or ‘our’ problem. It’s her problem to nurture, so it can grow so you can pet her issues rather than just wanting some support for your problem.
counter attack: There is no counter attack other than just walking away. You may ask 'why?'
... If you tell her calmly that you wanted support, she will apologize so much that her not listening or supporting you becomes an issue about her - and your situation still doesn’t get talked about.
If you flip and state that she’s selfish and you can’t deal she’ll suck onto you worse than a leech to your lips. Psycho chicks love insensitive guys – because mean guys give them a reason to be psycho, it’s like growing a plant in the richest soil composite you will ever find.
6) low self-esteem
example: It’s the parasite trick … ‘I’m not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough’ she says. As you encourage her you find out it is too late to realize you are her feeding tree you have lost all will to even care about anything anymore. All your energy is caught up in trying to make her feel better about herself.
prognosis: '5) … every situation about her’ is the toy dog type issue of the padded room club compared to this. ‘low self-esteem’ is the hook line and sinker for any male that gives in … why? It is the Great Dane – the issue that becomes yours for as long as you can endure it, it never gets better, just bigger. So sooner or later you want to reach for that preverbal gun (she refers to in conversations about taking her life) and shooting that big dog down and taking her with it.
counter attack: ignore it – tell her she’s fishing for comments and that you will compliment her when you see fit.
7) being genuinely ungrateful
example: … her daddy buys her a nice car and before doing back flips she expresses how uncomfortable she is because people are looking at the car or she doesn’t like the colour of it. (FYI she used to walk everywhere she went).
prognosis: Nothing is ever good enough for her, not even you - you are just the beast of burden, the rock (peter) that she stand upon to reach every issue she has on the bookshelf of her life. Yes you are the donkey! The donkey that got involved when you past the other signs. The naïve behaviour of a man seeing the road sign ‘Twilight Zone Ahead’ or ‘Your end is near’ thinking that he’s brave and man enough to deal with it. Nigga turn back – head for the hills!
counter attack: everything you think of trying to aid in your sanity is going to lead back to number 3 and or 5. Hence you will find out that her craziness is a perfect circle or a looped algorithm in which you are the variable … and no matter how much the variable changes the outcome is still the same …
she (craziness) + you = homicidal you!
8) family feud/family double dare
example:
a) This occurs when you have either left her because she was making you homicidal and she gets involved with someone in your family / a friend.
b) Or the other scenario is entirely your fault if you are dumb enough to pursue her after the first/second, third family member or best/good friend.
prognosis: This is the pawn technique … it’s a chess game now. She is no longer a queen and she has no knight to defend her from her known psychoses so it’s a push pawn tactic which will make herself into a queen by using you. If you know your history and science: Alchemy is impossible; serfs don’t make themselves royalty. Someone has to recognise you as royalty - coups don’t mean much in relationships other than prolonged agony.
counter attack:
a) remember she’s a chameleon so you can only warn so much and no more with regards to her psychoses – if not, you might have to kidnap your family member or friend and brainwash him before she does.
b) you are now dubbed the beast of burden so implement that mule kick and send her back up that crazy tree she fell from!
9) head space
example: You ask for space and her interpretation is she calling you every hour on the half-hour like CNN Headline News.
prognosis: This means ‘please, please don’t forget me you are the only sucker I know that puts up with my nuttiness!’
counter attack: buy her a get well card. When she calls saying she received the card and is quite puzzled by it. Tell her that she is obviously sick and needs medical attention immediately. After which you switch your cell-phone number and block her numbers from all the other phone lines you use.
My history leaves me all right to talk about crazy women. Talking with friends and family about their situation has given me enough scenarios to mix and match.
After which, my first hand experience with these fruit baskets read like a file fresh out of an episode of Law & Order SVU: being stalked; threatened by a woman wanting to turn me into a eunuch; another telling hopeless lies to me; being slandered by another; almost being raped ... TWICE; propositioned by a very good friend’s ex; seeing how one manipulated people I hold close to me. I have all right. These chicks are CRAZY!
DISCLAIMER if you think this is about you it probably is … and you might have to refer to number 5.
1) WARNING!
If you are: a patient man that is not phased by little things
a good listener
kind & Generous
It means you are a PRIME TARGET for such a woman. It’s like Yin and Yang… You are very sedated she is a nut case.
2) the twitch
If you notice a twitch just before or during times of stress – RUN AWAY!
prognosis: this is warranted when the voices in her head start tell her to do things that she doesn’t want to. This usually ends with up her restraining herself from stabbing you, friends or any of your family members.
Counter attack: RETREAT! … RETREAT!!
3) birds of a feather flock together
example: … if she had/have close friends that SHE deems as crazy, it just means she just fell off the crazy tree at a lower branch.
prognosis: People tend to use themselves as the measuring stick and they always see themselves as normal. Think about it, have you ever heard someone of unsound mind saying they are crazy?
outcome: The most normal thing they will do on a consistent basis is … waking up each morning to think of how to make life more about them. The reality of their world nothing short of PeeWee’s playhouse mixed with Days of Our Lives. (Btw Lawrence Fishbourne was in that, with jerry curls – talk about a jump from PeeWee to Morpheus. Now that’s talent – or a good agent.)
4) a flare for melodrama.
example: … if she lends you something and she gets it back with a: slight scratch; dent; discolouration; or even without the black plastic she gave you in. She all of a sudden she throws herself on the ground screaming ‘Why me lord! Why me! Now it will never work!’
NB the ‘damage’ has no bearing on the function or the aesthetics of the object.
prognosis: this is the typical look at me I need some attention from you now. This was the best excuse I could come up with in the span of when you handed me the object to when the voices told me to react.
counter attack: is being as mellow-dramatic as her. If you can’t achieve that on cue, put your hand in your pocket and pull a pubic hair (or 2) and trust me your eyes will well up with tears so fast you forgot why you did it in the first place. Now you will start crying and shout ‘I try and try try and try…. But it’s never enough!’
If that doesn’t work, put on the voice of the witch from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, grab her pull her close your chest and say ‘Everything will be fine my pretty…. Eeeeeveerrrythiiiing.’
outcome: psycho chicks can’t have a mellow-dramatic/overly-sensitive boyfriend.
5) she makes every situation about her.
example: … you totaled your car, and in telling her, she makes it known that she had a bad feeling around the same time you crashed. Suddenly she thinks she’s a prophetess and that she gets these weird ‘vibes’ from time to time. By the end of the conversation she says she doesn’t know how to control it. At this point, you being injured or how it happened was never discussed or was briefly mentioned.
prognosis: Your problems don’t count unless it affects her and even so then it’s not yours or ‘our’ problem. It’s her problem to nurture, so it can grow so you can pet her issues rather than just wanting some support for your problem.
counter attack: There is no counter attack other than just walking away. You may ask 'why?'
... If you tell her calmly that you wanted support, she will apologize so much that her not listening or supporting you becomes an issue about her - and your situation still doesn’t get talked about.
If you flip and state that she’s selfish and you can’t deal she’ll suck onto you worse than a leech to your lips. Psycho chicks love insensitive guys – because mean guys give them a reason to be psycho, it’s like growing a plant in the richest soil composite you will ever find.
6) low self-esteem
example: It’s the parasite trick … ‘I’m not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough’ she says. As you encourage her you find out it is too late to realize you are her feeding tree you have lost all will to even care about anything anymore. All your energy is caught up in trying to make her feel better about herself.
prognosis: '5) … every situation about her’ is the toy dog type issue of the padded room club compared to this. ‘low self-esteem’ is the hook line and sinker for any male that gives in … why? It is the Great Dane – the issue that becomes yours for as long as you can endure it, it never gets better, just bigger. So sooner or later you want to reach for that preverbal gun (she refers to in conversations about taking her life) and shooting that big dog down and taking her with it.
counter attack: ignore it – tell her she’s fishing for comments and that you will compliment her when you see fit.
7) being genuinely ungrateful
example: … her daddy buys her a nice car and before doing back flips she expresses how uncomfortable she is because people are looking at the car or she doesn’t like the colour of it. (FYI she used to walk everywhere she went).
prognosis: Nothing is ever good enough for her, not even you - you are just the beast of burden, the rock (peter) that she stand upon to reach every issue she has on the bookshelf of her life. Yes you are the donkey! The donkey that got involved when you past the other signs. The naïve behaviour of a man seeing the road sign ‘Twilight Zone Ahead’ or ‘Your end is near’ thinking that he’s brave and man enough to deal with it. Nigga turn back – head for the hills!
counter attack: everything you think of trying to aid in your sanity is going to lead back to number 3 and or 5. Hence you will find out that her craziness is a perfect circle or a looped algorithm in which you are the variable … and no matter how much the variable changes the outcome is still the same …
she (craziness) + you = homicidal you!
8) family feud/family double dare
example:
a) This occurs when you have either left her because she was making you homicidal and she gets involved with someone in your family / a friend.
b) Or the other scenario is entirely your fault if you are dumb enough to pursue her after the first/second, third family member or best/good friend.
prognosis: This is the pawn technique … it’s a chess game now. She is no longer a queen and she has no knight to defend her from her known psychoses so it’s a push pawn tactic which will make herself into a queen by using you. If you know your history and science: Alchemy is impossible; serfs don’t make themselves royalty. Someone has to recognise you as royalty - coups don’t mean much in relationships other than prolonged agony.
counter attack:
a) remember she’s a chameleon so you can only warn so much and no more with regards to her psychoses – if not, you might have to kidnap your family member or friend and brainwash him before she does.
b) you are now dubbed the beast of burden so implement that mule kick and send her back up that crazy tree she fell from!
9) head space
example: You ask for space and her interpretation is she calling you every hour on the half-hour like CNN Headline News.
prognosis: This means ‘please, please don’t forget me you are the only sucker I know that puts up with my nuttiness!’
counter attack: buy her a get well card. When she calls saying she received the card and is quite puzzled by it. Tell her that she is obviously sick and needs medical attention immediately. After which you switch your cell-phone number and block her numbers from all the other phone lines you use.
My history leaves me all right to talk about crazy women. Talking with friends and family about their situation has given me enough scenarios to mix and match.
After which, my first hand experience with these fruit baskets read like a file fresh out of an episode of Law & Order SVU: being stalked; threatened by a woman wanting to turn me into a eunuch; another telling hopeless lies to me; being slandered by another; almost being raped ... TWICE; propositioned by a very good friend’s ex; seeing how one manipulated people I hold close to me. I have all right. These chicks are CRAZY!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
disgruntled employees anonymous
Ever thought that some frustrations were quarantined to 2005? But to your horror has these frustrations have rared it’s ugly head in 2006 like an incurable STD passed from Father Time to Baby New Year?
We here at D.E.A. welcome you with open arms! This is a forum where frustrations of life and more so of the working world can be voiced.
At D.E.A. we try to meet our clients’ needs by providing every and any channel as an outlet. Our main goal is to reduce the amount of violent disgruntled employees in the work force. As we all know, a disgruntled employee without a proper channel to vent is a ticking time bomb.
We know and understand that the I.D. 10 T virus has affected most your co-workers and employers. If you know anyone with this virus there is no hope for them as it is terminal - and assisting the infected will only render you infected. So at D.E.A. we try to band together and support each other to save humanity.
This is a very serious virus as it is airborne. However, anti-bodies and support will be able to block this unforgiving illness that we are exposed to everyday.
D.E.A. will allow each and everyone a channel of voicing such encounters as a form of therapy.
To become a D.E.A. member all you have to do is click on ‘comment’, post an incident as ‘anonymous’ and vent about the I.D. 10 Ts you have to interact with.
*I.D. 10 T. virus.
A disease that renders people with no mental ability or the failure to use common sense
We here at D.E.A. welcome you with open arms! This is a forum where frustrations of life and more so of the working world can be voiced.
At D.E.A. we try to meet our clients’ needs by providing every and any channel as an outlet. Our main goal is to reduce the amount of violent disgruntled employees in the work force. As we all know, a disgruntled employee without a proper channel to vent is a ticking time bomb.
We know and understand that the I.D. 10 T virus has affected most your co-workers and employers. If you know anyone with this virus there is no hope for them as it is terminal - and assisting the infected will only render you infected. So at D.E.A. we try to band together and support each other to save humanity.
This is a very serious virus as it is airborne. However, anti-bodies and support will be able to block this unforgiving illness that we are exposed to everyday.
D.E.A. will allow each and everyone a channel of voicing such encounters as a form of therapy.
To become a D.E.A. member all you have to do is click on ‘comment’, post an incident as ‘anonymous’ and vent about the I.D. 10 Ts you have to interact with.
*I.D. 10 T. virus.
A disease that renders people with no mental ability or the failure to use common sense
Monday, January 30, 2006
surgeon general warning ...
Please note that before calling any of your sexual partners you have had over a 2 year span telling them that they gave you a V.D. or S.T.I., you should know that the pollen from the cow-itch plant is being released into the air at this time of year. The pollen may have landed on your towel or wash cloth where it was carried through open windows via winds. So please pay keen attention your towels.
Also if this occurs please refrain from scratching yourself in public, even though it might relieve the itch – scratching certain body parts in public may produce unwanted anti-social behaviour from people in your immediate environment.
Nonetheless stay clean and wrap it up! i.e. Your towel and wash cloth in a plastic bag so that this does not occur. Save yourself unwanted explanations, stares of disgust, embarassment and false accusations.
Holla!
Also if this occurs please refrain from scratching yourself in public, even though it might relieve the itch – scratching certain body parts in public may produce unwanted anti-social behaviour from people in your immediate environment.
Nonetheless stay clean and wrap it up! i.e. Your towel and wash cloth in a plastic bag so that this does not occur. Save yourself unwanted explanations, stares of disgust, embarassment and false accusations.
Holla!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
12 days of ... (not orginal)
Day One
Dear Nuala,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree. We’re getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the mother rather badly on the hand but they’re good friends now and we’re keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again.
Yours affectionately,
Gobnait O’Lúnasa
Day Two
Dear Nuala,
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived. We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay again and the stitches are due to come out in a week or two. The vet’s bill was £8 but the mother is over her annoyance now and the doves and the partridge are watching the tele' from the pear-tree as I write.
Yours ever,
Gobnait
Day Three
Dear Nuala,
We must be foremost in your thoughts. I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again. The mother was raging because the bill was £16 this time but she has almost cooled down. However, the fact that the birds’ droppings keep falling down on her hair whilen she’s watching the tele', doesn’t help matters. Thanking you for your kindness.
I remain,
Your Gobnait
Day Four
Dear Nuala,
You mustn’t have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet’s bill was £32. The mother is on sedation as I write. I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend.
Gobnauit
Day Five
Nuala,
Your generosity knows no bounds! Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious. However, I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings.
Your affectionate friend,
Gobnait
Day Six
Nuala,
What are you trying to do to us ? It isn’t that we don’t appreciate your generosity but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet’s head from the pear-tree and his bill was £68 in cash! My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way! You must keep your feelings for me in check!
Gobnait
Day Seven
Nuala,
We are not amused by your little joke!? Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house! We cannot use the bathroom now because they’ve gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter. If things go on this way, mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet. Please lay off! It is not fair!
Gobnait
Day Eight
Nuala,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight, hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home!? Their cattle are all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the mother’s rose-beds. The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, turtle doves, French hens and partridge make the Battle of the Somme seem like Wanderly Wagon. The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium. I’m very annoyed with you!
Gobnait
Day Nine
Listen you louser!
There’s enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight. I’m warning you, you’re making an enemy of me!
Gobnait
Day Ten
Listen manure-face,
I hope you’ll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night. They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn’t a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar. My mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, on top of a hundred and twenty four grains of Valium. You’ll get yours!
Gobnait O’Lúnasa
Day Eleven
You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel!
It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they’ve now been joined by your friends ~ the eleven Lords-a-leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like “Outlook”. I’ll get you yet, you ould bag!
Day Twelve
Listen slurry head,
You have ruined our lives! The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, ‘cos they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping. Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living-room, where they’d been hiding since the big battle, and savaged hell out of the Lords and all the Maids. There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well. The mother is in a home for the bewildered and I’m sitting here, up to my neck in birds’ droppings, empty whiskey and Valium bottles, birds’ blood and feathers, while the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree! I’m a broken man! A broken man!
Gobnait O’Lúnasa
Dear Nuala,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree. We’re getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the mother rather badly on the hand but they’re good friends now and we’re keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again.
Yours affectionately,
Gobnait O’Lúnasa
Day Two
Dear Nuala,
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived. We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay again and the stitches are due to come out in a week or two. The vet’s bill was £8 but the mother is over her annoyance now and the doves and the partridge are watching the tele' from the pear-tree as I write.
Yours ever,
Gobnait
Day Three
Dear Nuala,
We must be foremost in your thoughts. I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again. The mother was raging because the bill was £16 this time but she has almost cooled down. However, the fact that the birds’ droppings keep falling down on her hair whilen she’s watching the tele', doesn’t help matters. Thanking you for your kindness.
I remain,
Your Gobnait
Day Four
Dear Nuala,
You mustn’t have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet’s bill was £32. The mother is on sedation as I write. I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend.
Gobnauit
Day Five
Nuala,
Your generosity knows no bounds! Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious. However, I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings.
Your affectionate friend,
Gobnait
Day Six
Nuala,
What are you trying to do to us ? It isn’t that we don’t appreciate your generosity but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet’s head from the pear-tree and his bill was £68 in cash! My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way! You must keep your feelings for me in check!
Gobnait
Day Seven
Nuala,
We are not amused by your little joke!? Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house! We cannot use the bathroom now because they’ve gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter. If things go on this way, mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet. Please lay off! It is not fair!
Gobnait
Day Eight
Nuala,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight, hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home!? Their cattle are all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the mother’s rose-beds. The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, turtle doves, French hens and partridge make the Battle of the Somme seem like Wanderly Wagon. The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium. I’m very annoyed with you!
Gobnait
Day Nine
Listen you louser!
There’s enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight. I’m warning you, you’re making an enemy of me!
Gobnait
Day Ten
Listen manure-face,
I hope you’ll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night. They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn’t a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar. My mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, on top of a hundred and twenty four grains of Valium. You’ll get yours!
Gobnait O’Lúnasa
Day Eleven
You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel!
It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they’ve now been joined by your friends ~ the eleven Lords-a-leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like “Outlook”. I’ll get you yet, you ould bag!
Day Twelve
Listen slurry head,
You have ruined our lives! The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, ‘cos they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping. Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living-room, where they’d been hiding since the big battle, and savaged hell out of the Lords and all the Maids. There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well. The mother is in a home for the bewildered and I’m sitting here, up to my neck in birds’ droppings, empty whiskey and Valium bottles, birds’ blood and feathers, while the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree! I’m a broken man! A broken man!
Gobnait O’Lúnasa
Monday, November 28, 2005
waterworld (a Donald Buchanan Production)
The hurricane season is drawing to an end and wow … I don’t recall anything more active other than the Jamaican murder rate. Jamaica was spared again and again ... and again – whether is was by prayer or a just having a terrain that’s not suitable for hurricanes, either way Lloyd Lovindeer’s cash cow of another hurricane song was aborted.
My apologies, I stray from the matter at hand … it is the epic of gaining information and understanding the role of The Ministry of Water and Housing.
To get to the bottom of this I had to put on my super sleuth (Sherlock Holmes) hat and pick up my magnifying glass. My first obvious lead was to call the Ministry of Water and Housing. Alas! Thank God I brought my magnifying glass because those numbers in the directory are really hard to see. Finally, the real investigation had begun, and it started with the typical Government initiation. Where the phone rings until you get a busy signal on several different occasions; two hours later (and two hours wasted on the job when I could have been playing FreeCell or talking on MSN messenger) I got through. Then as soon as the operator picked up humour hit, their telephone lines suffered from the same problem as mine… water trapped in the lines at the Ministry of Water and Housing – no disrespect to the residents of Kennedy Grove.
From experience in investigative journalism (actually it was 60 minutes I watched ... that and Murder She Wrote) I went to the top of the ladder, The Right Honourable Donald Buchanan, however I think he was bailing out water of his office – well they said he was unavailable for comment.
Plan B was initiated, I sweet-talked the operator into helping me find out the role the Ministry of Water and Housing. However, I was forced to play ‘Pass the Ball’, as I was transferred to different people (who I'm certain sit right beside each other) who had no clue they worked at the Ministry of Water and Housing. After the second round, I said 'If you can't beat them join them'. Everything was going according to the game until I was transferred to the operator again. Not realising she picked up I was still singing "... why yu neva tell me seh the ball gone roun'. Play ball play ball play ... hello?" From her tone I realised she didn't like my singing. I was once again transferred, this time to the ministry's library. I straightened up in my seat (boss was passing) and professionally asked about the role of the ministry. I was promptly asked my name ... from now on I'm Matthew Shaw! Then was bombarded with questions 'Where do you work?' 'Why do you need this information?' 'What colour are your eyes?', and so on. So after speed dating the Librarian over the phone I left my fake name and real telephone number for them to contact me with the relevant information, as no one knew what they are trying to achieve as a body. The thought of actually doing work was disappointing since the information to start this article would be lost in the secret vault of the ministry where only the Illuminati handshake could ever open it.
One full week later I was graced by a call from the Ministry’s Librarian only for her to tell me that such information is on the Jamaica Information Service web site.
...
No doubt I was in shock:
1) For them actually calling me back.
2) To know that 15 minutes after hanging up on the initial call I checked the J.I.S. website only for them to tell the same thing a full week later!
I know you all are curious about what I found. Sorry guys I have to wait the typical governmental week before I post that info...
Anyway, credit where credit is due:
http://www.jis.gov.jm/water_housing/index.asp
The Ministry of Water and Housing is assigned specific responsibilities for housing, water, and disaster and emergency management. The Ministry seeks to meet the following objectives.
WATER
• Provide the island with an adequate supply and suitable quality of water for domestic, commercial and agricultural purposes.
I take it ‘adequate’ and ‘suitable’ are always relative depending if you are a thirsty goat on the side of the road, or the squeegee guy that decides to dirty your windscreen trying to convince you that he made the smudges better for you to see through.
More so what can we classify as water?
Call me stupid but EVEN the Nelson’s dictionary (only 59 pages with the pages the size of a postcard) that most of us used in primary and prep school had a definition for ‘water’.
Water n.
wa·ter (wôtr, wtr)
A clear, colorless, odorless, and tasteless liquid, H2O, essential for most plant and animal life…
So exaclty what’s the brown stuff that you substituted for my water?
• Monitor weather conditions in order to issue reliable and timely advisories islandwide.
I take it water lock-offs are those unpredictable ‘acts of God’ because I’m certain we have all jumped into the shower and soaped up just to hear the comforting sound of an empty pipe.
• Increase the Ministry’s capability to respond to disasters and emergency incidents, and reduce the effects of hazards and disasters through the application of mitigating measures.
Please I’d love a response to know under this objective other than the inflatable arm floats and swim caps what else were given to the residents of Kennedy Grove? And I hope it wasn’t tarpaulin to cover a leaking roof or bleach to purify the water that was at ROOF HEIGHT!
HOUSING
• Develop and implement a national human settlement strategy to facilitate the provision of shelter by devising resource management measures to enhance the social and economic well being of the nation. The Ministry is assigned responsibility for the programme concerned with the provision of housing for the nation.
Two words and some punctuation repeated ... KENNEDY GROVE?! KENNEDY GROVE?! KENNEDY GROVE?!
Ok, so maybe Mr. Buchanan was trying fervently to create a new Atlantis; or saying ... 'well it is the land of wood and water, you know!'. He’s yet to return my calls for a proper interview. (No fake names were given). One might wonder why such focus in the media about Kennedy Grove, and not other areas that have suffered the same fate. Reason being, Kennedy Grove is not a squatter community that turned into a permanent settlement. It is the fact that it was a ‘legitimate’ housing scheme where all aspects of the government and parish council HAD to be notified for it to be passed before construction.
DISASTER MANAGEMENT
Disaster Management involves a comprehensive system of disaster planning, co-ordination of activities and relief programmes. The National Disaster Committee and the Office of Disaster Preparedness and Emergency Management (ODPEM) seek to effectively improve their ability to respond appropriately in circumstances of disaster. ODPEM promotes and co-ordinates activities designed to reduce the impact of future disasters and emergency situations affecting the country and its people. The main thrusts of the operation are:
(a) Disaster prevention and mitigation
(b) Public education and training
(c) Preparedness and emergency operations
SUBJECTS (that are topics governed by this Ministry)
WATER
• Domestic Water Supply
• Irrigation
• National Water Commission
• Surface and Underground Water Resources
HOUSING
• Land Acquisition/Housing
• Landlord and Tenants Act
• Local Improvements Act
• National Urban Upgrading
• Port Royal Brotherhood
• Rent Control (Restriction)
• Shelter Solutions
The irony to know that the one of the greatest problems since the rains and housing are under the same ministry. The Ministry seems to be a set of Siamese (con-joined to be politically correct) twins that don’t speak to each other.
I am still eager to have that interview with Mr. Buchanan. Hopefully he grants me the interview even though I'll be dressed in my snorkel, flippers and swim trunks. The interview would start with me saying while playing the soundtrack of Little Mermaid while saying, 'I just came from Kennedy Grove and boy are my fins tired'. Nonetheless I am certain he loosen the top button on his Kareba suit and join in singing 'Under the Sea'.
Given the fact he is a hard man to reach, if anyone can get in contact with Mr. Buchanan please tell him, that he has one half of the island's description right; and find a wet piece of board and give him the other half. However, in the mean time while I try to get that interview, out of all the aquatic cartoon characters listed below, which one does he remind you of (I want to bring him a cake with the picture of any of the characters on it):
1) Ursula (the overwieght villan)
2) Mr. Crabs (owner of crabby patties)
3) Flounder (the big-head sidekick that is dispensible)
4) Patrick (the other half of an ambiguously gay duo)
5) Squidword (the one that looks like a before picture for some vitamin tablet)
6) Sebastian (the crab at the foot of the king ... and he'll get no closer)
7) Other … please specify
Holla!
My apologies, I stray from the matter at hand … it is the epic of gaining information and understanding the role of The Ministry of Water and Housing.
To get to the bottom of this I had to put on my super sleuth (Sherlock Holmes) hat and pick up my magnifying glass. My first obvious lead was to call the Ministry of Water and Housing. Alas! Thank God I brought my magnifying glass because those numbers in the directory are really hard to see. Finally, the real investigation had begun, and it started with the typical Government initiation. Where the phone rings until you get a busy signal on several different occasions; two hours later (and two hours wasted on the job when I could have been playing FreeCell or talking on MSN messenger) I got through. Then as soon as the operator picked up humour hit, their telephone lines suffered from the same problem as mine… water trapped in the lines at the Ministry of Water and Housing – no disrespect to the residents of Kennedy Grove.
From experience in investigative journalism (actually it was 60 minutes I watched ... that and Murder She Wrote) I went to the top of the ladder, The Right Honourable Donald Buchanan, however I think he was bailing out water of his office – well they said he was unavailable for comment.
Plan B was initiated, I sweet-talked the operator into helping me find out the role the Ministry of Water and Housing. However, I was forced to play ‘Pass the Ball’, as I was transferred to different people (who I'm certain sit right beside each other) who had no clue they worked at the Ministry of Water and Housing. After the second round, I said 'If you can't beat them join them'. Everything was going according to the game until I was transferred to the operator again. Not realising she picked up I was still singing "... why yu neva tell me seh the ball gone roun'. Play ball play ball play ... hello?" From her tone I realised she didn't like my singing. I was once again transferred, this time to the ministry's library. I straightened up in my seat (boss was passing) and professionally asked about the role of the ministry. I was promptly asked my name ... from now on I'm Matthew Shaw! Then was bombarded with questions 'Where do you work?' 'Why do you need this information?' 'What colour are your eyes?', and so on. So after speed dating the Librarian over the phone I left my fake name and real telephone number for them to contact me with the relevant information, as no one knew what they are trying to achieve as a body. The thought of actually doing work was disappointing since the information to start this article would be lost in the secret vault of the ministry where only the Illuminati handshake could ever open it.
One full week later I was graced by a call from the Ministry’s Librarian only for her to tell me that such information is on the Jamaica Information Service web site.
...
No doubt I was in shock:
1) For them actually calling me back.
2) To know that 15 minutes after hanging up on the initial call I checked the J.I.S. website only for them to tell the same thing a full week later!
I know you all are curious about what I found. Sorry guys I have to wait the typical governmental week before I post that info...
Anyway, credit where credit is due:
http://www.jis.gov.jm/water_housing/index.asp
The Ministry of Water and Housing is assigned specific responsibilities for housing, water, and disaster and emergency management. The Ministry seeks to meet the following objectives.
WATER
• Provide the island with an adequate supply and suitable quality of water for domestic, commercial and agricultural purposes.
I take it ‘adequate’ and ‘suitable’ are always relative depending if you are a thirsty goat on the side of the road, or the squeegee guy that decides to dirty your windscreen trying to convince you that he made the smudges better for you to see through.
More so what can we classify as water?
Call me stupid but EVEN the Nelson’s dictionary (only 59 pages with the pages the size of a postcard) that most of us used in primary and prep school had a definition for ‘water’.
Water n.
wa·ter (wôtr, wtr)
A clear, colorless, odorless, and tasteless liquid, H2O, essential for most plant and animal life…
So exaclty what’s the brown stuff that you substituted for my water?
• Monitor weather conditions in order to issue reliable and timely advisories islandwide.
I take it water lock-offs are those unpredictable ‘acts of God’ because I’m certain we have all jumped into the shower and soaped up just to hear the comforting sound of an empty pipe.
• Increase the Ministry’s capability to respond to disasters and emergency incidents, and reduce the effects of hazards and disasters through the application of mitigating measures.
Please I’d love a response to know under this objective other than the inflatable arm floats and swim caps what else were given to the residents of Kennedy Grove? And I hope it wasn’t tarpaulin to cover a leaking roof or bleach to purify the water that was at ROOF HEIGHT!
HOUSING
• Develop and implement a national human settlement strategy to facilitate the provision of shelter by devising resource management measures to enhance the social and economic well being of the nation. The Ministry is assigned responsibility for the programme concerned with the provision of housing for the nation.
Two words and some punctuation repeated ... KENNEDY GROVE?! KENNEDY GROVE?! KENNEDY GROVE?!
Ok, so maybe Mr. Buchanan was trying fervently to create a new Atlantis; or saying ... 'well it is the land of wood and water, you know!'. He’s yet to return my calls for a proper interview. (No fake names were given). One might wonder why such focus in the media about Kennedy Grove, and not other areas that have suffered the same fate. Reason being, Kennedy Grove is not a squatter community that turned into a permanent settlement. It is the fact that it was a ‘legitimate’ housing scheme where all aspects of the government and parish council HAD to be notified for it to be passed before construction.
DISASTER MANAGEMENT
Disaster Management involves a comprehensive system of disaster planning, co-ordination of activities and relief programmes. The National Disaster Committee and the Office of Disaster Preparedness and Emergency Management (ODPEM) seek to effectively improve their ability to respond appropriately in circumstances of disaster. ODPEM promotes and co-ordinates activities designed to reduce the impact of future disasters and emergency situations affecting the country and its people. The main thrusts of the operation are:
(a) Disaster prevention and mitigation
(b) Public education and training
(c) Preparedness and emergency operations
SUBJECTS (that are topics governed by this Ministry)
WATER
• Domestic Water Supply
• Irrigation
• National Water Commission
• Surface and Underground Water Resources
HOUSING
• Land Acquisition/Housing
• Landlord and Tenants Act
• Local Improvements Act
• National Urban Upgrading
• Port Royal Brotherhood
• Rent Control (Restriction)
• Shelter Solutions
The irony to know that the one of the greatest problems since the rains and housing are under the same ministry. The Ministry seems to be a set of Siamese (con-joined to be politically correct) twins that don’t speak to each other.
I am still eager to have that interview with Mr. Buchanan. Hopefully he grants me the interview even though I'll be dressed in my snorkel, flippers and swim trunks. The interview would start with me saying while playing the soundtrack of Little Mermaid while saying, 'I just came from Kennedy Grove and boy are my fins tired'. Nonetheless I am certain he loosen the top button on his Kareba suit and join in singing 'Under the Sea'.
Given the fact he is a hard man to reach, if anyone can get in contact with Mr. Buchanan please tell him, that he has one half of the island's description right; and find a wet piece of board and give him the other half. However, in the mean time while I try to get that interview, out of all the aquatic cartoon characters listed below, which one does he remind you of (I want to bring him a cake with the picture of any of the characters on it):
1) Ursula (the overwieght villan)
2) Mr. Crabs (owner of crabby patties)
3) Flounder (the big-head sidekick that is dispensible)
4) Patrick (the other half of an ambiguously gay duo)
5) Squidword (the one that looks like a before picture for some vitamin tablet)
6) Sebastian (the crab at the foot of the king ... and he'll get no closer)
7) Other … please specify
Holla!
Thursday, November 24, 2005
the Jamaican halphabet (not original)
Hay
Bee
Cee
Dee
Hee
Heff
Gee
Haych
Hi
Jay
Kay
Hell
Hemm
Henn
Hoe
Pee
Quu
Harr
Hess
Tee
You
Vee
Dab'low
Hexx
Why
Zedd
Bee
Cee
Dee
Hee
Heff
Gee
Haych
Hi
Jay
Kay
Hell
Hemm
Henn
Hoe
Pee
Quu
Harr
Hess
Tee
You
Vee
Dab'low
Hexx
Why
Zedd
dancehall coming 'out ... and bad'?! (a 'nah nuh 'ead" sequel)
A year later, yes! We are here in a setting that seems quite unfamiliar to anything else seen in dancehall history - or was it bubbling under the surface? Living in a culture where the flag of homophobia flies higher than the Jamaican flag, yet the culture that sang about it is now 'bouncing' to it. The subtle undertones of this behavior have come 'out and bad'.
Out and bad is fitting for this year's theme as one of the biggest news in the Dancehall era was the mere fact that 2 MALE DANCERS were feuding about who is the better dancer (and no Rex Nettleford was not involved). Please take a moment and rewind to the late 80's early 90's, to the television series called FAME. (For those that are not old enough and were mere babes during Hurricane Gilbert or weren't even thought of yet, please Google it.) Certain of the fact that John Hype and Bogle were as flaming and flamboyant as Leroy the male 'effeminate' dancer on the show.
To pre-empt any questions about Merman watching a show like FAME, 2 words - JANET JACKSON.
Nonetheless, Bogle got his wish ... the lyrics for the song FAME are most fitting:
Well hopefully long term memory will prevail and realise the stage is only big enough for one Bogle. So... go Paul! go Paul! It's your birthday!
However the death had a nation reflecting on the 'national' hero. We thank you Bogle helping to liberate our country - with your dance moves. Yes, life in Jamaica would be drag if it were not for 'Sesame Street', 'Zipp it Up', 'World Dance' and the very popular 'Bogle'. In your death the tribute dances in your honour have made the intelligent citizens uneasy because we are not sure (ie. the straight ones) about the double meaning of 'out and bad' or the 'willie bounce'. At times it seems like these dancers are exercising their gay-like minds like Richard Simmons. Funny enough the dances really do look like aerobics.
Nonetheless, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) and OutRage! should invest in going to a street dance, session or any public event (without the GLAAD or OutRage! t-shirts) and see how similarities between their mannerisms and how most patrons behave. There is more flashing of wrists than a fat woman fanning herself on a hot day in Coronation Market (pronounced Curnation Market by the locals). Leg grabbers which look like they were sponsored by Berger Paints; the men's well tweezed eyebrows as they stay on one side dancing by (or with, one is never too sure) themselves in their tight shirt railing up for the latest Celiene Dione song - or Ghost cover. Being apart of the urban fabric and music of 'Jamaica land we love' the most appropriate word in the english vocabulary is ... queer. What ever happened to wall to wall coupling of the 80's and 90's?
Has anyone seen the humour in Scare Dem Crew saying "badman nuh dress like giiiiirl"? So exactly, what's your excuse!? It seems the more thuggish you are the more feminine you need to look. I couldn't help but laugh and nod in agreement after hearing an up and coming Jamaican rapper's lyrics: "don't watch the 'hype', watch the hype, nuff a dem badman a badman girlfren' at night!"
In the 21st Century I am not sure if the saying 'right ear queer, left ear buccaneer' applies. The crossing gender boundaries are making things hard for the typical human. Too many times double, triple and quadruple takes have to be done just to establish if it is a man or a woman. Many times just walking away resolving that some questions are just left unanswered.
At present, this seems to be where the culture is in pertaining to homosexuality and it's 'acceptance'.
* Dancehall is homophobic or anti-gay ... or both
* GLAAD and OutRage! doesn't like Dancehall for its 'stance' on homosexuality
* Most people do the dances that have gay undertones and overtones
* At parties/street dances/sessions the men are on one side and the women on the other.
* Many artists might have a queer eye for a straight man's sense of dress or just a queer eye - or 2.
Fire and brimstone are rained down on the girlie man at work place because everyone notices how he is 'happy'. Yet we put on the most aggressive demeanor and end up flashing wrists worst than Mr. Girlie-man will ever. So exactly where does the confusion stop?
We cared so much if our Prime Minister is gay, not realising the guy/girl on the bus; in the taxi or the one we linked to just chill or play ball with was 'out and bad' long before Frankie Paul or Kid Ralph. More so I ask the question, as a culture are we condemning it openly and yet sneaking it in through the 'back door'? Raising the issue of this ambiguity creates more shades of gray than a real definition. Is it apart of an evolution of a culture, where one tries to include more people as popularity grows?
Nonetheless confusion reigns in the stance Jamaican Dancehall culture takes.
Regards,
Merman ‘Flabba’ Johnson
Out and bad is fitting for this year's theme as one of the biggest news in the Dancehall era was the mere fact that 2 MALE DANCERS were feuding about who is the better dancer (and no Rex Nettleford was not involved). Please take a moment and rewind to the late 80's early 90's, to the television series called FAME. (For those that are not old enough and were mere babes during Hurricane Gilbert or weren't even thought of yet, please Google it.) Certain of the fact that John Hype and Bogle were as flaming and flamboyant as Leroy the male 'effeminate' dancer on the show.
To pre-empt any questions about Merman watching a show like FAME, 2 words - JANET JACKSON.
Nonetheless, Bogle got his wish ... the lyrics for the song FAME are most fitting:
... I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly (with wings on)
High
I'm gonna learn how to fly (with wings on)
High
... I'm gonna make it to heaven (or hell I guess we'll find out at some point huh)
Light up the sky like a flame (there will be no references to gas station shoot outs here)
Fame
Light up the sky like a flame (there will be no references to gas station shoot outs here)
Fame
... I'm gonna live forever
Baby remember my name (we honestly can't forget it ... I have tried - I really have)
Fame
Baby remember my name (we honestly can't forget it ... I have tried - I really have)
Fame
Well hopefully long term memory will prevail and realise the stage is only big enough for one Bogle. So... go Paul! go Paul! It's your birthday!
However the death had a nation reflecting on the 'national' hero. We thank you Bogle helping to liberate our country - with your dance moves. Yes, life in Jamaica would be drag if it were not for 'Sesame Street', 'Zipp it Up', 'World Dance' and the very popular 'Bogle'. In your death the tribute dances in your honour have made the intelligent citizens uneasy because we are not sure (ie. the straight ones) about the double meaning of 'out and bad' or the 'willie bounce'. At times it seems like these dancers are exercising their gay-like minds like Richard Simmons. Funny enough the dances really do look like aerobics.
Nonetheless, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) and OutRage! should invest in going to a street dance, session or any public event (without the GLAAD or OutRage! t-shirts) and see how similarities between their mannerisms and how most patrons behave. There is more flashing of wrists than a fat woman fanning herself on a hot day in Coronation Market (pronounced Curnation Market by the locals). Leg grabbers which look like they were sponsored by Berger Paints; the men's well tweezed eyebrows as they stay on one side dancing by (or with, one is never too sure) themselves in their tight shirt railing up for the latest Celiene Dione song - or Ghost cover. Being apart of the urban fabric and music of 'Jamaica land we love' the most appropriate word in the english vocabulary is ... queer. What ever happened to wall to wall coupling of the 80's and 90's?
Has anyone seen the humour in Scare Dem Crew saying "badman nuh dress like giiiiirl"? So exactly, what's your excuse!? It seems the more thuggish you are the more feminine you need to look. I couldn't help but laugh and nod in agreement after hearing an up and coming Jamaican rapper's lyrics: "don't watch the 'hype', watch the hype, nuff a dem badman a badman girlfren' at night!"
In the 21st Century I am not sure if the saying 'right ear queer, left ear buccaneer' applies. The crossing gender boundaries are making things hard for the typical human. Too many times double, triple and quadruple takes have to be done just to establish if it is a man or a woman. Many times just walking away resolving that some questions are just left unanswered.
At present, this seems to be where the culture is in pertaining to homosexuality and it's 'acceptance'.
* Dancehall is homophobic or anti-gay ... or both
* GLAAD and OutRage! doesn't like Dancehall for its 'stance' on homosexuality
* Most people do the dances that have gay undertones and overtones
* At parties/street dances/sessions the men are on one side and the women on the other.
* Many artists might have a queer eye for a straight man's sense of dress or just a queer eye - or 2.
Fire and brimstone are rained down on the girlie man at work place because everyone notices how he is 'happy'. Yet we put on the most aggressive demeanor and end up flashing wrists worst than Mr. Girlie-man will ever. So exactly where does the confusion stop?
We cared so much if our Prime Minister is gay, not realising the guy/girl on the bus; in the taxi or the one we linked to just chill or play ball with was 'out and bad' long before Frankie Paul or Kid Ralph. More so I ask the question, as a culture are we condemning it openly and yet sneaking it in through the 'back door'? Raising the issue of this ambiguity creates more shades of gray than a real definition. Is it apart of an evolution of a culture, where one tries to include more people as popularity grows?
Nonetheless confusion reigns in the stance Jamaican Dancehall culture takes.
Regards,
Merman ‘Flabba’ Johnson
Monday, November 21, 2005
god, the artist and the fan
Now I beg to ask … if God is a sports fan or if he pledges allegiance to a country, which one does he supports? For awhile I thought God was a Chicago Bulls’ fan or even worse a Brazilian football fan. One would think after England ‘cleansed’ most of Europe and Northern Africa in his name he would be a strong support of their football and cricket. You might ask why I am so concerned about God and sports. The reason being, is the ease of sports fans and stars thanking God for their opposition scoring an own goal or being stupid on the field. Scenario one: “I thank God for making us do our best and making the other team suck! Plus I had a lot of money on us winning, so if we lost I’d have to sell my family to some East-German bookie.”
On top of sports, come award ceremonies, from music to Nobel Peace Prizes. Scenario two: “I’d like to thank God for inspiring me to write ‘Shoot em up’ or ‘Deez b*tches like me’. Please look out for my new album ‘Yo mama’s a ho’!” I’m certain those are the strikes that go against one’s soul – something about using his name in vain? You decide anyway.
Scenario three, “Wow! An Oscar! First I’d like to thank God for really making me fake the best I could, playing a priest in this film.” (After that the usual thanking or cast, crew, loved ones and the fans) then suddenly as the music begins to play, he interjects “Again I’m innocent of all those child molestation charges, my daughter is a liar!” I guess God didn’t help him with that one.
Other than: making us see another day; for taking us out of situations seen and unseen; I wonder how should we thank God for?
Do we do the ‘Thank you for not making my life suck as much as the neighbour across the road’? I remember last year, over-hearing a group of devout Christians saying, they prayed long and earnestly for Hurricane Ivan not to hit Jamaica directly. Lo and Behold God answered their prayers. I had me thinking, either Cayman didn’t have enough faith or I guess God works on the most prayers per capita. Scenario 4: 'Thank you for not creating too much damage in the hurricane season, America is richer and needs better methods of population control (as the Iraq War isn't enough) so send them that side. Also teach those Floridians how to vote by sending gusts of winds and showers of rain.'
How do we thank him without saying ‘At least I’m better off than…’?
On top of sports, come award ceremonies, from music to Nobel Peace Prizes. Scenario two: “I’d like to thank God for inspiring me to write ‘Shoot em up’ or ‘Deez b*tches like me’. Please look out for my new album ‘Yo mama’s a ho’!” I’m certain those are the strikes that go against one’s soul – something about using his name in vain? You decide anyway.
Scenario three, “Wow! An Oscar! First I’d like to thank God for really making me fake the best I could, playing a priest in this film.” (After that the usual thanking or cast, crew, loved ones and the fans) then suddenly as the music begins to play, he interjects “Again I’m innocent of all those child molestation charges, my daughter is a liar!” I guess God didn’t help him with that one.
Other than: making us see another day; for taking us out of situations seen and unseen; I wonder how should we thank God for?
Do we do the ‘Thank you for not making my life suck as much as the neighbour across the road’? I remember last year, over-hearing a group of devout Christians saying, they prayed long and earnestly for Hurricane Ivan not to hit Jamaica directly. Lo and Behold God answered their prayers. I had me thinking, either Cayman didn’t have enough faith or I guess God works on the most prayers per capita. Scenario 4: 'Thank you for not creating too much damage in the hurricane season, America is richer and needs better methods of population control (as the Iraq War isn't enough) so send them that side. Also teach those Floridians how to vote by sending gusts of winds and showers of rain.'
How do we thank him without saying ‘At least I’m better off than…’?
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
warning shots!
If it isn't funny don't send, it If it isn't thought provoking don't put my name on the list. Yes, it's the beginning of me going off on a RANT!
I HATE chain letters or pusedo-chain letters. I really don't care for sending a piece of rubbish to 53 people if it is going to make me fall in love. Or if a girl is born with a leg on her head and they will get $5.00 for every time it's sent so they can give her another one to make it even.
Another thing, I don't give if HOTMAIL is going to make you pay ... there is always Yahoo - so stop sending me a fake letter from some paper pusher in the company. If Hotmail has beef with me or wants to tell me something they will find me - they run the flipping thing. You guys (oh and you know yourselves just failed the biggest common sense test ever!) Hotmail, MSN or whoever does not need you to annoy me so let's cut out the middleman!
I don't care about some poem written about wearing 'black' - my choice!!! I'm certain that when Louis Farakhan puts on his white Van Huessen long sleeve shirt (... wait I think that's irony) he still shouts BLACK POWER!
Worst are the Christian ones ... when since God narrowed things down to 10 or 15 people. I really don't give a hoot (crap or any word you want to put in place). If I believe so be it. LISTEN MAN!!! I really don't care about any of these things, so stop adding me to your omen list. I really just don't care if you need one more person for you to have a good sex life, fall in love, get money from Bill Gates of just want to see some clip that supposed to be hilarious that never pops up! My right index finger gets tired of clicking delete so many times for uneventful, unimaginative, mindless drivel!!!!! If you crack heads don't stop I'm going to start blocking!!!!!
By the way, have a Merry Christmas (X-mas) when it comes - though it's just 50 days away, so you have time to prep yourself to have a merry one.
Anyway let me show how ridiculous yet simple it is:
IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN, COPY AND SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR LIST WISHING THEM A MERRY CHRISTMAS: AND YOU WILL GET ALL THE BLESSINGS IN THE WORLD AND MORE IF NOT, YOU WILL HAVE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA FROM CHRISTMAS DAY THROUGH TO MID-NIGHT MASS!
IF YOU ARE NOT A CHRISTIAN SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR LIST WISHING THEM A MERRY X-MAS: AND YOU WILL GET ALL THE PRESENTS YOU WANTED IF NOT, YOU WILL BE HARASSED BY EITHER CRACK HEADS, HARRY KRISHNAS OR JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES 24/7!!!!! (WHICHEVER MAKES YOU THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE)
By the responses or non-responses I'll know who: is NORMAL; was a ganja baby; was and still is a crack head.
The Normal ones - no expectations
Ganja babies - make me proud!
Crack head - you know nothing better.
IF THIS DID NOT APPLY TO YOU, YOU KNOW NOT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT STARTING! IF IT DID, STOP THE CRAP!! Holla!
I HATE chain letters or pusedo-chain letters. I really don't care for sending a piece of rubbish to 53 people if it is going to make me fall in love. Or if a girl is born with a leg on her head and they will get $5.00 for every time it's sent so they can give her another one to make it even.
Another thing, I don't give if HOTMAIL is going to make you pay ... there is always Yahoo - so stop sending me a fake letter from some paper pusher in the company. If Hotmail has beef with me or wants to tell me something they will find me - they run the flipping thing. You guys (oh and you know yourselves just failed the biggest common sense test ever!) Hotmail, MSN or whoever does not need you to annoy me so let's cut out the middleman!
I don't care about some poem written about wearing 'black' - my choice!!! I'm certain that when Louis Farakhan puts on his white Van Huessen long sleeve shirt (... wait I think that's irony) he still shouts BLACK POWER!
Worst are the Christian ones ... when since God narrowed things down to 10 or 15 people. I really don't give a hoot (crap or any word you want to put in place). If I believe so be it. LISTEN MAN!!! I really don't care about any of these things, so stop adding me to your omen list. I really just don't care if you need one more person for you to have a good sex life, fall in love, get money from Bill Gates of just want to see some clip that supposed to be hilarious that never pops up! My right index finger gets tired of clicking delete so many times for uneventful, unimaginative, mindless drivel!!!!! If you crack heads don't stop I'm going to start blocking!!!!!
By the way, have a Merry Christmas (X-mas) when it comes - though it's just 50 days away, so you have time to prep yourself to have a merry one.
Anyway let me show how ridiculous yet simple it is:
IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN, COPY AND SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR LIST WISHING THEM A MERRY CHRISTMAS: AND YOU WILL GET ALL THE BLESSINGS IN THE WORLD AND MORE IF NOT, YOU WILL HAVE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA FROM CHRISTMAS DAY THROUGH TO MID-NIGHT MASS!
IF YOU ARE NOT A CHRISTIAN SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR LIST WISHING THEM A MERRY X-MAS: AND YOU WILL GET ALL THE PRESENTS YOU WANTED IF NOT, YOU WILL BE HARASSED BY EITHER CRACK HEADS, HARRY KRISHNAS OR JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES 24/7!!!!! (WHICHEVER MAKES YOU THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE)
By the responses or non-responses I'll know who: is NORMAL; was a ganja baby; was and still is a crack head.
The Normal ones - no expectations
Ganja babies - make me proud!
Crack head - you know nothing better.
IF THIS DID NOT APPLY TO YOU, YOU KNOW NOT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT STARTING! IF IT DID, STOP THE CRAP!! Holla!
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
the 37 most shocking moments in dancehall history (not original)
37. While on MTV Cribs, Shaggy proudly displays photograph taken with Gianni Versace.
36. Sizzla sings hook on Foxy Brown cunnilingus song.
35. Beenie Man sets the image of Jamaica's education system back 50 years when he repeatedly mispronounces Compton as "Contam" on a collaboration with Guerilla Black.
34. Scare Dem Crew remakes Usher's My Way as Dainty and shoots music video which features Elephant Man in a crib getting his pampers changed while singing about how dainty he is.
33. Vybz Kartel wears pink tights to Miami's ReggaeFest.
32. Lexxus is discovered to indulge in cunnilingus.
31. Spragga Benz samples Foxy Brown's ill na-na and proclaims that it tastes like rum punch, then becomes Rastafarian and stops drinking rum.
30. Frankie Paul is caught fondling an acquaintance's 12 year old son.
29. Frankie Paul 'recieves' Shandy bottles at Sting.
28. Ninja Man becomes an informer and turns over handgun to 'Babylon' Reneto Adams at Sting.
27. Ninja Man converts to Christianity, renames himself Brother Desmond, then backslides two months later and is caught sniffing coke.
26. Ninja Man steals Michael Jackson's style and wears a horsehair weave onstage.
25. Merciless steals style, 'rapes' woman who thought he was Bounty Killer and tried to leave his room when she found out he wasn't.
24. Zebra steals style, has two hits, and is sent to prison and introduced to Kid Ralph after 'raping' woman who thought he was Tiger and tried to leave his room when she found out he wasn't.
23. Jah Cure steals Yami Bolo's style, has no hits, is sent to prison for 'raping' woman and becomes a reggae superstar.
22. Bounty Killer, like a b*tch, runs from gunshots during stage show.
21. Elephant Man is robbed in London.
20. Elephant Man becomes the first and only male artist in dancehall history to lose a clash with a female deejay when Spice murders him onstage at Sting.
19. King Jammys b*tch-slaps Zumjay in studio during recording session.
18. Snoop Dogg b*tch-slaps Super Cat backstage at a Kris Kross performance.
17. Capleton's Bobo entourage b*tch-slaps Beenie Man at airport.
16. Ninja Man steals Bobby Brown's style, beats up girlfriend and is arrested for being a lady badman.
15. Ninja Man once again steals Michael Jackson's style, throws baby through window and is arrested for being a baby badman.
14. Vybz Kartel manhandles Ninja Man and proceeds to give a Timberland-sponsored charity walkathon for the rehabilitation of cokeheads on his face.
13. Elephant Man appears on BET's 106 & Park for the first time and sets Jamaica back 100 years.
12. Elephant Man, in an effort to quell HIV+ rumours at a live stage show, asks audience if he "look like smaddy whe have AIDS to yu?"... crowd replies with a resounding "YES!!!"
11. Shabba Ranks says he's anti-gay live on BBC and his career is subsequently sabotaged by GLAAD.
10. Buju Banton is forced to apologize to GLAAD for anti-gaylyrics.
9. Buju Banton beats up two homosexuals.
8. Beenie Man apologizes to OutRAGE! for anti-gaylyrics
7. Beenie Man apologizes to Jamaican public for apologizing to OutRAGE! for anti-gay lyrics
6. Beenie Man apologizes to OutRAGE! for apologizing to Jamaican public for apologizing to OutRAGE! for anti-gay lyrics
5. Beenie Man apologizes to Jamaican public for apologizing to OutRAGE! for apologizing to Jamaican public for apologizing to OutRAGE! for anti-gay lyrics.
4. Beenie Man appears on BBC and claims 'battyman' is Jamaican slang for child molester.
3. Beenie Man is booed out of Jamaica's National Stadium after singing Hey Green Arm Ova Deh So in front of Nelson Mandela during his presidential visit.
2. Bounty Killer shoots music video with naked man.
1. Beenie Man appears on a talk show moderated by Ru-Paul and greets his host with a hug and kiss.
.... feel free to add any that were left out.
36. Sizzla sings hook on Foxy Brown cunnilingus song.
35. Beenie Man sets the image of Jamaica's education system back 50 years when he repeatedly mispronounces Compton as "Contam" on a collaboration with Guerilla Black.
34. Scare Dem Crew remakes Usher's My Way as Dainty and shoots music video which features Elephant Man in a crib getting his pampers changed while singing about how dainty he is.
33. Vybz Kartel wears pink tights to Miami's ReggaeFest.
32. Lexxus is discovered to indulge in cunnilingus.
31. Spragga Benz samples Foxy Brown's ill na-na and proclaims that it tastes like rum punch, then becomes Rastafarian and stops drinking rum.
30. Frankie Paul is caught fondling an acquaintance's 12 year old son.
29. Frankie Paul 'recieves' Shandy bottles at Sting.
28. Ninja Man becomes an informer and turns over handgun to 'Babylon' Reneto Adams at Sting.
27. Ninja Man converts to Christianity, renames himself Brother Desmond, then backslides two months later and is caught sniffing coke.
26. Ninja Man steals Michael Jackson's style and wears a horsehair weave onstage.
25. Merciless steals style, 'rapes' woman who thought he was Bounty Killer and tried to leave his room when she found out he wasn't.
24. Zebra steals style, has two hits, and is sent to prison and introduced to Kid Ralph after 'raping' woman who thought he was Tiger and tried to leave his room when she found out he wasn't.
23. Jah Cure steals Yami Bolo's style, has no hits, is sent to prison for 'raping' woman and becomes a reggae superstar.
22. Bounty Killer, like a b*tch, runs from gunshots during stage show.
21. Elephant Man is robbed in London.
20. Elephant Man becomes the first and only male artist in dancehall history to lose a clash with a female deejay when Spice murders him onstage at Sting.
19. King Jammys b*tch-slaps Zumjay in studio during recording session.
18. Snoop Dogg b*tch-slaps Super Cat backstage at a Kris Kross performance.
17. Capleton's Bobo entourage b*tch-slaps Beenie Man at airport.
16. Ninja Man steals Bobby Brown's style, beats up girlfriend and is arrested for being a lady badman.
15. Ninja Man once again steals Michael Jackson's style, throws baby through window and is arrested for being a baby badman.
14. Vybz Kartel manhandles Ninja Man and proceeds to give a Timberland-sponsored charity walkathon for the rehabilitation of cokeheads on his face.
13. Elephant Man appears on BET's 106 & Park for the first time and sets Jamaica back 100 years.
12. Elephant Man, in an effort to quell HIV+ rumours at a live stage show, asks audience if he "look like smaddy whe have AIDS to yu?"... crowd replies with a resounding "YES!!!"
11. Shabba Ranks says he's anti-gay live on BBC and his career is subsequently sabotaged by GLAAD.
10. Buju Banton is forced to apologize to GLAAD for anti-gaylyrics.
9. Buju Banton beats up two homosexuals.
8. Beenie Man apologizes to OutRAGE! for anti-gaylyrics
7. Beenie Man apologizes to Jamaican public for apologizing to OutRAGE! for anti-gay lyrics
6. Beenie Man apologizes to OutRAGE! for apologizing to Jamaican public for apologizing to OutRAGE! for anti-gay lyrics
5. Beenie Man apologizes to Jamaican public for apologizing to OutRAGE! for apologizing to Jamaican public for apologizing to OutRAGE! for anti-gay lyrics.
4. Beenie Man appears on BBC and claims 'battyman' is Jamaican slang for child molester.
3. Beenie Man is booed out of Jamaica's National Stadium after singing Hey Green Arm Ova Deh So in front of Nelson Mandela during his presidential visit.
2. Bounty Killer shoots music video with naked man.
1. Beenie Man appears on a talk show moderated by Ru-Paul and greets his host with a hug and kiss.
.... feel free to add any that were left out.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
obituary (not original)
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two step-brothers; My Rights and I'm a Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two step-brothers; My Rights and I'm a Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
it’s a life or death situation
Well well … the age-old topic on ABORTION …
Holla!
Friday, June 10, 2005
what girls don't usually admit
To preface this blog, I always thought that women never had many bodily functions because they were never as ... comfortable with things like that in 'public' like guys. So the impression I had was that women were like sharks, they excrete through their skin. However if I ever had an incling that is wasn't so - this article watered that seed into a very funky tree.
The moniker of the female has been changed to save her public embarassment.
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
ello?
ANONYMOUS says:
sup
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
hail fan!
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
what's poppin'?
ANONYMOUS says:
ok those are all saying the same things
ANONYMOUS says:
ok I am fine
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
TGIF?
ANONYMOUS says:
in eh
ANONYMOUS says:
!
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
ANONYMOUS says:
what....?
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
natin'
ANONYMOUS says:
I was agreeing with you sorry may be I should have said right o
ANONYMOUS says:
!
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
oh ... ok
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
just checking
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
so which one you think makes you belch more ...
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
Kola Champagne or Pepsi/Coke?
ANONYMOUS says:
cola
ANONYMOUS says:
champaign that is
ANONYMOUS says:
definately
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
so which one make you fart more?
ANONYMOUS says:
neither
ANONYMOUS says:
peas make me fart
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
lorl
ANONYMOUS says:
red peas in particular
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
fi reals!?
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
lorl
ANONYMOUS says:
serious
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
like playing the tumpet huh?
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
No red peas soup roun' ere!
ANONYMOUS says:
more like a ships exhaust
ANONYMOUS says:
FYAH!!!!!!!
ANONYMOUS says:
but dat no stop me still
ANONYMOUS says:
love gone to bed
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
er?
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
bed!?
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
yu nuh work!?
ANONYMOUS says:
love it gone to bed
ANONYMOUS says:
lol
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
oh
ANONYMOUS says:
that means I really love it
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
heh
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
heh
ANONYMOUS says:
lol
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
I get it!
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
ever fart so hard you burn your ass cheeks?
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
...
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
got to think about that one for awhile huh
ANONYMOUS says:
well the thing with that is that it happens more often thanI think I should say
ANONYMOUS says:
I mean I really like red peasbooty
ANONYMOUS says:
lorl
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
dwl
ANONYMOUS says:
lol
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
ok ok ... I got one for you ...
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
you ever try to squeeze one out and at the last moment you realise it's not a fart?
ANONYMOUS says:
julian there are ppl in the rm ok
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
and does your face ever look like this ... : |
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
ANONYMOUS says:
but yeah it has happenedlol
ANONYMOUS says:
i am dying over here
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
what you had rice and peas for lunch?
ANONYMOUS says:
no I mean dying w/ laughter
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
now the thing is ... that ever happen to you in public?
ANONYMOUS says:
always
ANONYMOUS says:
yuh just have to know how to pass it off on some one else
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
:|
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
lorl
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
how you do that?
ANONYMOUS says:
me? fart? how dare you! no it was that person walking away
ANONYMOUS says:
no lie
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
you ever make your boyfriend take the heat?
ANONYMOUS says:
I normally just say i did it or I am oing to do it and I cant move or it will blow
ANONYMOUS says:
um he farts on me all the time
ANONYMOUS says:
we open like that
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
open butt cheeks ... ya!
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
ever pass one off like it was your mothre?
ANONYMOUS says:
n thats shameful julian
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
oh but any random person it cool
ANONYMOUS says:
yes.....
ANONYMOUS says:
wats so wrong wit dat
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
EVERYTHING!
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
dirty bottom girl!
AnX: ... trying not to let my blessings become curses says:
lorl
ANONYMOUS says:
lol
Monday, November 01, 2004
dancehall nah nuh 'ead
Dancehall is making strides in World Pop culture … and Jamaica is smiling again. This time it is not with Shabba’s thick lips or walking with Supa Kat’s strut. It’s with the ‘cool’ complexion of Sean Paul’s ‘uptown’ colour and the giggling of a lisp induced … sorry heavy tongue induced sound of Elephantman.
However, should we really be smiling about these two deejays' 15 minutes (which should be 30 seconds) of fame? The regurgitation of Hip-Hop type music has lowered the sperm count of Dancehall’s fertilization - creating bastard children whom the radio drones play all day everyday saying they entertain us during our mundane duties. Differently, the only thing that you entertain me and the people that still have their own (functioning) thought processes with, is either changing the station to BBC Caribbean, Radio Mona, or becoming a serial killer (so radio D.J.s watch out).
Warning: if you do not know these stations – please refrain from reading anymore as you have passed your intellectual quota for the year…
When since Dancehall is no longer the trendsetter for Hip-Hop? When did the child become the father to his father – and here I thought Jamaicans could never be classified as rednecks.
Sean Paul’s ‘songs’ have become like the last one he put out or the one before that … or wait … the one before that. The Wolmerian hasn’t made us believe he experienced much more than being an ‘uptown’ deejay that went to an elite high school – where rumour has it he was bullied all the time and was just plain annoying. (I guess he started the ‘dutty aye!’ from then). He should really smack himself stupid (though I hear that won’t take long) and give Burning Spear the Grammy.
Yes, we have all watched or heard of the documentaries of how Ska begat Reggae; Reggae begatting Dancehall; and Dancehall having a bastard child called Hip-Hop. However it seems the father doesn’t know what to do anymore, as regurgitation is the order of the day. Can we honestly say we appreciate what’s coming out of the mouths of our deejays? Sampling ‘Father Abraham’ has only taught me that Elephantman under the guise of ‘creativity’ has been able to conjure up his memories of Sunday school. By the way I hope Third World got paid a crap load of money for him massacring ‘Try Jah Love’.
The blonde hair lazy-god has also proven that dancehall loving Jamaicans are nothing but a bunch of intellectual sub-ordinates to him and his dancing crew. Just as a reality check: A GROUP OF PEOPLE DOING THESE LESS THAN CREATIVE DANCES IS AS RETARDED AS SEEING ONE WHITE PERSON DOING IT WITHOUT MUSIC. So to the John Hypes and Bogles out there, your mindless masses are waiting for you to pick your nose or scratch your naughty-bits, slap a name to it and call it Jamaica’s hottest new dance craze.
I would go on however the lack of creativity in the industry today doesn’t warrant my energy or yours to even read.
However, we praise the Dancehall Gods for blessing us with artists (not entertainers) like Vybz Kartel, Assassin and the staying power of Spragga Benz and Sizzla. Praising them for creativity (whether as barefaced as Kartel, or word play like Assasin), consciousness (even though we all know Sizzla can’t sing), and just giving people with an IQ over 70 a reason to listen and pray. (Education time: an IQ of 70 and lower denotes that you are retarded … so go get tested).
Regards,
Merman ‘Flabba’ Johnson
However, should we really be smiling about these two deejays' 15 minutes (which should be 30 seconds) of fame? The regurgitation of Hip-Hop type music has lowered the sperm count of Dancehall’s fertilization - creating bastard children whom the radio drones play all day everyday saying they entertain us during our mundane duties. Differently, the only thing that you entertain me and the people that still have their own (functioning) thought processes with, is either changing the station to BBC Caribbean, Radio Mona, or becoming a serial killer (so radio D.J.s watch out).
Warning: if you do not know these stations – please refrain from reading anymore as you have passed your intellectual quota for the year…
When since Dancehall is no longer the trendsetter for Hip-Hop? When did the child become the father to his father – and here I thought Jamaicans could never be classified as rednecks.
Sean Paul’s ‘songs’ have become like the last one he put out or the one before that … or wait … the one before that. The Wolmerian hasn’t made us believe he experienced much more than being an ‘uptown’ deejay that went to an elite high school – where rumour has it he was bullied all the time and was just plain annoying. (I guess he started the ‘dutty aye!’ from then). He should really smack himself stupid (though I hear that won’t take long) and give Burning Spear the Grammy.
Yes, we have all watched or heard of the documentaries of how Ska begat Reggae; Reggae begatting Dancehall; and Dancehall having a bastard child called Hip-Hop. However it seems the father doesn’t know what to do anymore, as regurgitation is the order of the day. Can we honestly say we appreciate what’s coming out of the mouths of our deejays? Sampling ‘Father Abraham’ has only taught me that Elephantman under the guise of ‘creativity’ has been able to conjure up his memories of Sunday school. By the way I hope Third World got paid a crap load of money for him massacring ‘Try Jah Love’.
The blonde hair lazy-god has also proven that dancehall loving Jamaicans are nothing but a bunch of intellectual sub-ordinates to him and his dancing crew. Just as a reality check: A GROUP OF PEOPLE DOING THESE LESS THAN CREATIVE DANCES IS AS RETARDED AS SEEING ONE WHITE PERSON DOING IT WITHOUT MUSIC. So to the John Hypes and Bogles out there, your mindless masses are waiting for you to pick your nose or scratch your naughty-bits, slap a name to it and call it Jamaica’s hottest new dance craze.
I would go on however the lack of creativity in the industry today doesn’t warrant my energy or yours to even read.
However, we praise the Dancehall Gods for blessing us with artists (not entertainers) like Vybz Kartel, Assassin and the staying power of Spragga Benz and Sizzla. Praising them for creativity (whether as barefaced as Kartel, or word play like Assasin), consciousness (even though we all know Sizzla can’t sing), and just giving people with an IQ over 70 a reason to listen and pray. (Education time: an IQ of 70 and lower denotes that you are retarded … so go get tested).
Regards,
Merman ‘Flabba’ Johnson
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Haiti: the land of … people who want to leave
So this Aristide guy … by any chance does anyone else think he’s short? I think he has a Napoleon complex. Dude …you are not that important, you are a hot topic until the W’indies figure out how to party and play cricket at the same time.
If you think you need to take a helicopter to the North Coast instead of driving through the Bog Walk Gorge like everyone else, you got issues – well obviously … they kicked you out of your own country. Ok, maybe you have a weak bladder or get car sick – still they can prescribe medication or purchase over the counter drugs for that. If you can’t get a hold of a doctor then bushes will suffice, I’m almost certain our Prime Minister has relieved himself in bushes, not to mention Uncle Eddie. The Syrians have the tendency to be more ‘natural’ in the way they use the bathroom.
Back to Jean, (I hope I can call him Jean) so relieving oneself in the bushes is liberating more so being an exiled President. Your wife won’t mind – she seems like the type. I hope I can ask you a few questions, after you wash your hands though; it’s easy to spread germs when you don’t.
Well now that’s done:
1. How does it feel to be kidnapped by the same people that put you back in power?
I think that should suck. Then I think about that even more, exactly how did they threaten you – was it by reinstalling a middle class in Haiti? I take it you are against it, hush. Your country is weird though. You guys have an uprising (… again, what’s this, the 17th one?) about 7 were killed and then a crap load of people come to Jamaica?! Dude, that’s half the amount of people that die here in Jamaica a day. Your people are weird.
2. Colin Powell said that he didn’t know where you were going after ‘refueling’ in Antigua. I always wanted to go back to a small Caribbean island – the last time I went I had appendicitis, it wasn’t pretty. It feels like you want to take a crap or fart but can’t (… sorry Auntie S. I mean excrete or pass wind.) I need to mind my P’s and Q’s.
So you thought the rebels would be that powerful huh? Blame your supporters, if they ‘silenced’ them they wouldn’t have reach the capital. Hmmm … rebels came to town – yup that’s it. Rebels Came to Town – I see the musical already, an instant Broadway hit. It’s going to be a musical comedy/drama about two crappy leaders (Bush and Aristide) whose paths cross. Will Farrell plays G. W. Bush; James Earl Jones as Colin Powell; Dave Chapelle plays Aristide; the rebel leader played by Wesley Snipes; P.J. Patterson as himself; Aristide’s wife played by … I don’t know yet. Singing isn’t really required, Dictators and Capitalist idiots don’t have time to hone a singing voice (to make it more realistic), however they are going to have to belt out those notes the best they can. Anyway, the show picks up every Tony Award it’s nominated for, a complete sweep!
Oh, I figured out why they say P’s and Q’s. It’s an engli …wait … my editor informed me that I should get to back to the questions for Jean.
Let’s try this again….
2. Did you really have no clue on where you were going? Cool, so it was kind of a surprise huh … well, minus the happy feeling and substituting that with guns and some Yankee Navy S.E.A.L. asking you if you practiced voodoo or was tight with Miss Cleo and if you were, how come didn’t you see this coming.
So the U.S. farted you … sorry, passed you out in the middle of Africa, somehow I can picture G.W. with his weeded look saying (in that mentally challenged voice … My apologies to mentally challenged people, I should have just said dumb) ‘Kidnap Dryhorse and send him to the Caribbean.’ Then Powell tells him ‘Mr. President, who is Dryhorse?’ Then he says, ‘the guy we are kidnapping, Aridsteed, I was just shortening his name’. Then there would be this prolonged silence where the secret service has a questionable look on their faces wondering if they should erase Powell because he now knows too much. Then Colin breaks it with ‘Sir, Haiti is in the Caribbean.’ Being the moron that Bush is, he answers ‘it is!? Damn! Geography sucks when you are sober Colin. Anyway I got to get back to Super Mario Bros on my Nintendo, I think the blacks call it a ‘throwback’ game, you should play it sometime.’
3. How do you manage to piss off the president of a country when you don’t commit an act of war? There are reports that the president of Central African Republic, said you are ‘ungrateful’. That’s diplomatic words for ‘you are a prick, get out of my land you descendant of a slave worker’s concubine.’
It’s not like you were staying at his house and you came home in the middle of the night with a bunch of goat herders throwing a party. (By the way, to all the goat herders out there, I couldn’t think of another occupation, my baaaaaad … wait that’s sheep - whatever). So yea, how do you offend the president? I hope you didn’t tell him about his mother. You got to relax Jean; no everyone is out to get you – just the majority of the first world countries.
4. Do you plan to climb Dunn’s River Falls while you are here? It’s really nice. Don’t buy the shoes or join the line of white people, they look really retarded and you don’t have much going for your image already. Or maybe you’ll come to Jouvert or join the road march; I have my own opinions on that. However, I hear it’s nice, that’s if you like overweight people in almost nothing and everybody whining on everybody. That would be a cool headline; ‘Higgler whines out Exiled President’ … might be too long. ‘Aristide whines on fatty’ – that is better.
I sense a road trip!
5. So where you plan to go? … Let me guess – Haiti? Dude, there are over a hundred countries, pick another please. Ok, I guess you can pimp smack your legion of supporters for not shooting people before it reached the state it is at now. After that, where? Disney World … so you are not just short but a kid at heart … good choice – when you do, could you do me a favour? Tell the drunkard in the Mickey costume that his fly is open, when he looks down, drop kick him. I will tell your story in this article (properly) and you do that, it will make us even.
I guess I need to end on a good note … Well, thank you for your time and patience Jean, I hope you check out Boston, Portland; so you can get some jerk chicken or pork (but stay away from the refugees please, they like it here). I support your vacationing spot. Tourism is key here, so make yourself at home … oh sorry, I forgot. Aaah make yourself … here, but not for long.
Holla!
PUUUUULLLLLLL UUUUUUUUP!!!!
PUUUUULLLLLLL UUUUUUUUP!!!!
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